If cities had siblings, Los Angeles and New York would absolutely be related. Endlessly competitive. Deeply similar. Convinced they’re nothing alike. Love rolling eyes at each other. Basically, proof that two people can have wildly different personalities and still somehow share DNA.
I was recently in the Big Apple with a few Friends, and for several of them, it was their first time experiencing the city.
By the second day, we were tucked into a booth over post-Fifth Avenue shopping mimosas (a Friendly LA wave to Sarabeth’s) when they all started saying some version of the same thing: “Wait...why is everyone nicer than I expected?”
Not exactly the reputation New York has spent decades cultivating. This is, after all, the city of people who walk faster than your Uber can drive. Where nobody waits for light changes before crossing major intersections. Or for you to finish your sentence before hailing down that cab on the corner. If LA is globally known as the land of shaman-led Pilates, healing our inner child and Erewhon smoothies with more ingredients than a science experiment, NYC has spent decades branding itself as the city of impatient, blunt pedestrians who don’t have time for your nonsense.
Our conversation turned to a popular saying a few of us read somewhere on Instagram before: People in Los Angeles are nice but not kind, while people in New York are kind but not nice.
And while I understood what people are trying to say, this theory doesn’t quite feel like it does either city justice. Because the more time I spend on both coasts, the more I think they’re actually saying the same thing in different accents.
Los Angeles is a city that stops to chat about the fluffy stuff. We hear about our waiters’ dream movie audition before the cocktails arrive at Mother Wolf. We ask where you got those sunglasses or what your favorite part about visiting Portugal was five minutes after meeting you. We tell each other to send the link. We cheer on dreams before they’ve fully formed. And say things like, “we should totally grab matcha at Maru next week” (and we usually mean it even if our calendars don’t because intention is everything but burnout is a bitch).
Warmth here sounds like encouragement. And if the vibes are right, we’ll even end up exchanging our childhood wounds with a stranger while watching the sunset.
New York, on the other hand, doesn’t have time for all that.
The stranger next to you on the subway isn’t asking about your five-year plan or which yoga retreat changed your life. (Although, one of my Friends did have a 30-minute conversation with the cab driver about his chakras, but she was sitting up front with him in gridlock traffic so it was really more of a hostage situation.)
But they will inform you that you’re standing on the wrong subway platform with the urgency of someone preventing a national emergency. The waiter will tell you if you didn’t order the best thing on the menu, usually with the same warmth as a parking ticket: “No. Not good. You don’t want that. Don’t waste your meal on that.” Which is very different from the same situation happening at one of the Bacaris 2,800 miles away... “Everything is so amazing, it just depends on what type of journey you’re looking for tonight.”
The cab driver will spend the entire ride roasting your itinerary in a voice that suggests all that breathwork at Unplug has actually deprived your brain of oxygen. By the time you’ve arrived, he’ll have called half your plans ridiculous, questioned your judgment, and completely reorganized your trip with better places to eat, drink, shop, and spend your afternoon.
To sum it up, NYC is less interested in making you feel comfortable and more interested in making sure you don’t accidentally ruin your own day. Which, when you think about it, is its own form of kindness.
Maybe we’ve spent too much time trying to decide which city is Friendlier. The more interesting question might be: what is Friendliness supposed to look like?
In Los Angeles, it often sounds like enthusiasm and encouragement.
In New York, it often sounds like efficiency and resourcefulness.
One says, “Tell me more about that.” Possibility.
The other says, “You’re going the wrong way.” Practicality.
One gives much better directions, the other gives better pep talks.
Aren’t both pretty useful? It’s not that one city is nice and the other is kind. It’s that kindness wears different outfits and has different customer service styles depending on which coast you’re on.
— Your Friend
