I have a few single girlfriends who genuinely make you wonder where all the good men are hiding (somewhere between Bigfoot and affordable LA housing).

Funny. Smart. Successful. Kind. The type of women you’d happily set your brother up with (assuming your brother has his life together). Picture us having dinner last weekend at The Grill on the Alley, talking about the greatest art heists in history over our first round of martinis. Just kidding, we were talking about men. But we got to the art heists later because contrary to every rom-com ever made, men aren’t the only things we talk about.

Anyway, back to our dating conversation. Or, more specifically, the list. You know the one...

Tall (6’3’‘ on a bad day)
Blue eyes
(...I’m looking for a man in finance...)
Funny
Full head of hair
Tattoos (vs. no tattoos)
Facial hair (vs. clean shaven)
Lives within a 10 mile radius (or at least isn’t “figuring out his startup” in his childhood bedroom)
Likes to travel
Well-dressed
Owns more than one set of bedsheets

The longer we chatted, the more it sounded like we were building a science experiment. It made me realize we’ve become incredibly good at describing people we’ve never met. And this isn’t only something straight women do, by the way, I think it applies to everyone.

Like looking for a home. Three-car garage. In a cul-de-sac. Open floor plan. Four bedrooms. Five-and-a-half baths. Within the zoning lines to send the children to Malibu High, and close enough to Harvard-Westlake for the more studious sibling.

Before I go any further, I should probably say this: I still wholeheartedly believe in standards. But by standards, I’m talking about things like...

Kindness.
Integrity.
Emotional maturity.
Respect.
Communication.
Follow-through.
Curiosity.
Someone who makes your life feel lighter instead of heavier.

Those are about how your life actually feels when you’re with someone, which are non-negotiable. And if you need a three-car garage, who am I to tell you otherwise?

What I’m talking about are specifications. The things we can list before someone even says hello (height, hair volume, eye color, job title, etc.). Second disclaimer: I’m not suggesting anyone ignore physical attraction or chemistry. If anything, attraction and chemistry are some of the hardest things to predict before two people actually meet.

But modern dating deserves some grace. The apps have changed everything, and people are burned out. Finding someone who’s emotionally available, compatible and looking for the same things you are is harder than finding Saturday night street parking or Sunday Erewhon parking in Silver Lake.

The result has turned romance into something that often feels more like online shopping than meeting another human being. Even our Friend Esther Perel, and today’s leading relationship psychotherapist, explained this on Call Her Daddy as an era of “romantic consumerism,” where the search for the perfect person can start to overshadow the experience of actually getting to know one. She made another point that stuck with me: first dates have started feeling less like dates and more like job interviews. Instead of trying to determine whether someone is “the one” over a 45-minute cocktail, what if we approached the evening with a little more curiosity than evaluation?

Third disclaimer: Before anyone reminds me that dating in your 30s is different, I know. The stakes might feel higher and time feels shorter depending on what your goals are. No one is suggesting we ignore red flags or waste months endlessly entertaining the wrong people. Time is valuable. This is just about recognizing that some things (like chemistry) don’t always reveal themselves as quickly as a LinkedIn profile.

We do this in a lot of other areas in life, honestly. It reminds me of a Friend of mine who “said yes to the dress” after ten bridal appointments. She walked into every wedding dress store with the same crystal-clear vision of what she wanted. A specific fabric and shade of white. A certain silhouette and neckline. But every time she tried it on, it felt somehow underwhelming. So she’d move on to the next store, convinced “the one” perfect dress she was envisioning was hanging somewhere else.

At the ninth boutique, the consultant was willing to try just about anything. She came out carrying a dress that was the complete opposite of her specifications. My Friend immediately dismissed it on the hanger, but put it on to be polite.

It was the dress she got married in. She still talks about her complete shock and sheer excitement when she put on that dress and finally had her “this is my wedding dress” bridal movie moment.

I think this is just how humans work sometimes...we become so attached to the picture in our heads that we stop noticing when something better might be standing right in front of us. We don’t leave ourselves as open to chance, possibility or surprise.

Outside of dating and wedding dresses, it could be the neighborhood we swore we’d never live in.

The job we almost skipped because it wasn’t exactly what we’d pictured.

The night we almost didn’t go out because we weren’t feeling 100% put together and our best (which are usually the most memorable).

The Friendship we might’ve missed because we didn’t instantly click during that first impression (a few of my closest Friendships started like that.)

Sometimes things, places and people don’t immediately match the picture we had in our heads. Which makes me wonder if certainty isn’t always our greatest strength. Maybe curiosity is.

Esther has pointed out that our phones have trained us to expect certainty. Every app tells us where to eat next, what to watch, which hotel to book and what to buy. We rarely have to wonder anymore because someone or something has already ranked it for us.

Five stars.
Good reviews.
10/10.
Add to cart.
Next.

In dating app terms: Tall. Great smile. Witty prompt answers. Taurus. Swipe right. Next.

Going back to my Friend at the bridal store: She didn’t find “the one” because she gathered more information. She found it because she experienced something she never could’ve predicted from a hanger. Every dress was compared to the picture she’d already created in her head. And then they didn’t feel right once she put them on, so she’d move on to the next boutique convinced her perfect dress was still out there.

Ironically, she finally found it as soon as she let go of the idea that she’d recognize her dream dress immediately. Sometimes the things that end up being right for us aren’t the ones that look perfect to us on a hanger, on paper or on an app.

The point isn’t to abandon standards or specifications altogether. It’s to remember that some of life’s biggest decisions can’t be made with certainty from a distance. We need to stop imagining the experience and actually have it.

That’s where discovery begins...

So let’s stay curious and open to being pleasantly surprised.

—Your Friend